Midseason Awards...

Apologies for my absence. I was in the midst of things that prevented me from speaking my mind on the stories of 8 guidos who stop being nice, and start being real (but continue being orange). And this made me very, very sad. But I'm back with three episodes to get into; so go out to a big dinner, then hit a bar with a bathroom that is unsanitary for human consumption, drink PBR and Jim Beam all night, pass out, get up and have a 24 ounce iced coffee and then bring the laptop with you to bathroom for the fifteen minutes or so that you're gonna need in there and... ENJOY.

(And for those of you who think I stole this concept from Bill Simmons... I blatantly did, but this is a free blog, so don't read it if you're offended.)

Without further ado, The Jersey Shore Season 2 Midseason Awards...

The Vincent Chase Entourage Season 7 Memorial Don't Let Fame Change You Award...

goes appropriately to none other than Vinny. It's amazing to me how little the cast has changed from season one to season two. For the most part, the cast is the same group of mooks and fame hasn't changed that one bit (except for Snooki's $400 crystal sunglasses that lack the critical feature of most glasses, namely the ability to see through them when worn). The Situation is still an ass, Pauly D still has hair that no hair net can hold, and so on and so forth. Vinny, on the other hand, has completely shifted gears from last season to this one. He has become a smooth talking, wannabe Situation. True, he always macked on girls with the rest of the boys... but last year he seemed genuinely surprised when the girls reciprocated. It was endearing to see a normal person surviving in a world of undeserved egos and spray tanner.

Unsurprisingly, I have a theory on this phenomenon. I believe that as the only self-aware member of the cast, Vinny was the most susceptible to being affected by fame and money. Sitch always believed that he was famous, Snooki always made loud noises and neither of them ever took their head out of their waxed assholes long enough for a complete reality check. Vinny on the other hand, knew what was going on, and is fully aware of the new powers that his fame affords him. I can't hate too much... we all want pussy, but it's sad to see the only real life human cross over to the dark side.

The Lebron James' Decision Annual It was cute for about 5 minutes award...

Goes to The Situation and his stupid three letter mantras. GTL was organic and simply amazing. GFA was clearly contrived, but was funny enough that it doesn't matter. IFF, MVP, and the rest? Shut the fuck up. You're making five million dollars this year, do you really need to sell more t-shirts to 15 year old boys whose lives your ruining with your very existence? I know a lot of people fell for MVP... but let's be honest, those fucking idiots would have thought of that last season if they were going to think of it at all.

Which brings me to my next point... can we all just admit that the show is becoming scripted? Rewind to 2001 and pretend we all asked ourselves if it was possible that a guy who used to weigh 170 pounds and hit 20 home runs a year and now weighs 250 pounds and hit 73 home runs did it without the aid of steroids? It would have saved us congressional hearings, hours of media coverage, and me many hours of my life. Some things are just too good to be true. And I'll take a scripted Jersey Shore... let's just pay the writers a few more bucks to come up with things that are funny even when not abbreviated into three letter catch phrases.

The John Cusack in Identity, "Whores don't get a second chance" award...

goes to Sammi Sweetheart. Fuck you bitch. I hope Ronnie swims in a bathtub full of chlamydia, swallows too much, and then vomits it into your soul. You act like a two faced harpie for long enough, you get exactly what you deserve. Ronnie was right to bounce on you when he saw the shit you talked about him to the Situation (Best New Year's ever by the way). Maybe two wrongs don't make a right, but I for one am enjoying the worst person in all of reality TV (minus Danielle from real housewives of NJ, she's a sociopath) get screwed over.

And how fucking stupid do you need to be to not get the point when everyone around you is playing a game and gets quiet when Ronnie gets asked if he's cheating? I don't fully understand. Is Sammie deaf? Or blind? OR JUST FUCKING RETARDED? Someone just said, "don't snitch," and you can't put two and two together? Ronnie may be extremely proud that he didn't go to college... but I think she might feel the same way about grade school. Sidebar... she's still the hottest girl on the show, but with the level of competition that's like winning Ms. Hiroshima right after we dropped the bomb. (Too soon?)

The Matt Damon is married to a bartender from Florida, you should be doing better award...

goes to Pauly D (and really the Situation too, but he already got an award and them's the rules.) You're fucking famous. Miami is full of smoking hot fame whores and gold diggers and you're going home with girls that some anonymous blogger wouldn't fuck. What the fuck is up with that? Oh wait, I write this motherfucker, so I'll tell you. Here's the predicament the boys are in. Any self respecting female wouldn't be caught dead on camera with the JS crew. Therefore, they have to rely on the girls without any self respect. But this is Miami... all the hot girls with self respect are there to play the game. They want to fuck guys who can support them, or give them seed money for a handbag business that will inevitably fail, or launch their acting/modeling career. The JS guys only can offer love. All they have to give is orange smudged skin with open painful sores that you don't notice until the morning. Therefore, their level of ass is far less than it should be.

The Ronnie and Sammie season one insanely immature relationship award

goes to Snooki and Emilio. I literally have no idea what they're fighting about half the time. At one point I'm pretty sure that Emilio said that he fucked someone else and then when Snooki finally lost her shit, said that he made it up, but that action is literally too stupid for me to believe me own eyes. I don't think they've had one televised conversation in which they didn't break up, but after the next commercial break, they're talking again. Also, there's this scene where Snooki is describing that gay guys like asshole and make out with men, which causes Meatball to become filled with a blind rage. Which is stupid. But not as stupid as when Snooki says that she wishes that she knew of these issues before she fell in love with said meatball. This confused me. I feel like for all their issues, Snooki has a lot more to worry about than some guido's homophobia. I hope they're completely over soon so I can watch Snooki do cartwheels with no underwear on (did I just say that?).

The OJ Simpson/Tiger Woods Public outcast develops increasingly bizarre behavior award...

goes to Angelina. What the fuck is up with this bitch? She slaps someone and then seconds later claims that it didn't happen? Is she the retarded guidette version of the guy from Memento? And after she makes peace with everyone, why did she choose to not just do the dishes before dinner? It makes absolutely no sense. Despite doing "great things" as a bartender, she has to recognize that Jersey Shore fame is the best possible thing that could happen in her life. She's barely literate, thinks she's waaaaay prettier than she actually is, and I just kind of get the feeling that she doesn't smell very good. Being friendly with these people enough to stay in the house is the one chance she has at not dying of skin cancer alone and penniless. I mean, she's still going to die of skin cancer, and she'll still probably smell like a cross between stripper lotion and spoiled cream, but at least she can do it with a little money in her pocket and a mimbo at her side. Get it together grow a longer fuse. Or grow that weird Tiger Woods bad guy goatee. I would enjoy that as well.

The Brad Pitt in Seven, wife's head in a box, two wrongs don't make a right award....

goes to Ronnie. Become Vengeance Ronnie. Become wrath. But try not to make yourself look too unsympathetic in the process. Everyone hates Sammi and she deserves this shit so you're getting a pass. But not for too much longer. Get your shit together before no girl will ever fuck your midget ass again. A thought... a plus to being as short as Ronnie... whatever cock you have beyond like 4 inches will feel like a surprise. Ironically juicing so much probably lessens the effect.

And finally, drumroll please

The Confucius she who lives in a glass house shouldn't throw stones award...

goes to JWOWW. For someone who once said after she fucks a guy she kills them like a praying mantis, she becomes extremely outraged that Ronnie is holding hands and dancing with people. Her faux anger at Ronnie's actions is as transparent as her denials of writing the letter to Sammie. JWOWW's motivations are clearly not pure. She looks at Sammi and you can watch the gears in her head spinning, wondering how she can get in the middle of this. At least Snooki wanted to tell Sammi directly. JWOWW, the supposed badass of the group goes the chickenshit route and writes a letter. Not to mention she was cheating on her boyfriend with Pauly in season one. I hope Sammi whips her ass and then gives her Ronnie's herpes next week.

PEACE.

Living in a Grenade Free America

Hello readers... I tried, I really did. But the problem is that when I watch the Housewives or America's Next Top Date Rapist it's always at least 15% ironically. I think you need true love to create true inspiration. And say what you want about those eight orange mooks, but I love them. It's an easy love. It's not romantic love, I don't need them to love me back, but I know that no matter what they do, they'll always have a place in my heart. I refrained from writing about the first episode due to a combination of intense blackout and the feeling that any asshole editor could piece together a great opening episode... the real question is whether the second episode was gold. I learned a lesson. Always put faith in those without sleeves. You will be rewarded. Like Lebron James... let's take our talents to South Beach.

Unfortunately, even a Grenade Free America is not an egalitarian society. There are tiers of guidos. Starting 4: Sitch, DJ Pauly Delvecchio, Snickers, and (marginally) JWOWW. Genius idea by the producers to only have these four road trip down to Miami. This way, they didn't have to give equal screen time to the B squad. It's easy to see how you play your way onto the bench. The easiest is to leave the show... hello again miss Angelina. More on her later. You can bore everyone to death... ladies and gentlemen, Vinny (I still love Vinny... but bro, how do you not do a cycle over the winter. It's like Kobe developing a low post game over the offseason. Bigger, faster, stronger.) Or, you can get into one of the worst TV relationships of all time. At some point Ronnie and Sammie crossed the line from slow moving trainwreck (something everyone wants to watch) to slow moving beheading (something only sick people, such as myself wants to partake in). I think it might of been when he cried those 1 or 2 or 57,345 times, or when she had a nervous breakdown over her toe, or when she choked him out with her hair extensions and he shit himself a little. (The last one will appear in the outtakes DVD, I swear.)

Back to Angelina though... honestly, how the fuck did she think this was gonna go? Take 3 immature girls, give them a common enemy... and this is exactly what you get. My favorite part about the entire dispute is that they were so fucked up in the cab when JWOWW was threatening to take it outside that I was convinced that they were on the way back from the club instead of on the way there. But this did create an interesting dynamic involving Angelina hanging out with two guys that she slept with before... until she told Pauly she loved him and subsequently slapped him in the face two seconds later. I've heard talks that she left the house again... I've purposely left it a surprise for myself but I would put the over/under at episode three. Lunatic.

And to The Situation, I know you're all about the tag lines since GTL took off so nicely, but I think you're stretching. GFA... amazing. It's a place I want to live. I picture people in East Berlin chanting GFA as the wall came down. But land mine? Seriously? Not one of the five people I watched the opener with understood what the fuck that meant. It took a girl who was a former Israeli soldier drawing a diagram of a land mine and then turning it sideways to make it clear that from some angles, it was, in fact, a skinny grenade.

Ronnie and Sammi... what can I say? I appreciated Ronnie burning some calories trying to get in with the boys again. But it wasn't even the end of the second episode and they're "working on things." Fuck. How stupid can you be. You attract so much pussy with your weird little midget dance and once again, you're throwing it away on a girl who went through your phone book WHEN YOU'VE BEEN BROKEN UP SINCE NEW YEAR'S. At this point though Ron Ron, fuck you. You deserve everything you get. Ohhhh... she sat with you for three hours while you got the world's blackest tattoo ever to be placed on a white man? And because of this, you think she's there for you? Again, FUCK YOU you stupid mook. Anyone past the age of eight can sit somewhere for three hours. It's not an acquired skill even for the dumbest fucking guido bitch on the planet. She's not any less batshit crazy, SHE'S JUST SITTING STILL.

Ugh... I'm spent for now. Check in next week and we'll really get into it. And if you're in the NYC area come see me at Caroline's on August 9th at 7:30. I'd put the address there, but if you're not smart enough to use Google Maps, I really don't want you at the show. Next week, we'll pick a topic and really tear into it. This was just pure, overflowing wop dago joy. Peace.