The Ballad of Ronnie Ortiz

AAAAAAAND WE'RE BACK.

Oh I'm feeling it today. Sit back and relax, I got this.

Jersey Shore: Season 3. I think I'll call this season the time capsule. Due to constant media exposure of the cast and the time it takes to edit seasons for television, we're finally viewing Jersey Shore as it was meant to be seen. It's like the light of a dying star that's already collapsed on itself, but it's taken some time to reach earth. It's kind of weird to watch the Situation intereact with his housemates when he is so clearly trying to move beyond his JS roots. And I know Snooki made it through the summer unscathed (though likely not without contracting herpes) because I saw her dropped inside a ball on New Year's Eve. A

By the way, is that not the most insulting publicity stunt of all time? "Well Snooki, we think that you're round enough that people will just think it's natural when we insert you into a ball and drop you when the clock strikes midnight?" And another quick thought, props to Pauly D for being the only cast member who is still driving the same car that they had at the beginning of season one.

But I'm not here to talk about that. No my friends, today is all about Ronnie Ortiz-Magro. I write for him and for all men who have ever had that look of misery in their eye when they realize that they've invested a year with a miserable bitch and now there's no easy way to extricate themselves. Ronnie's look could essentially be described as gorilla captured in the wild and brought to live in one of those nice cages at the zoo that seems a lot like the jungle they were taken from, who is now slowly realizing this is not in fact the wild but a very nice looking trap in which they will likely die. I give him about three weeks before he begins to saw off his own arm in order to escape ala James Franco in 127 hours.

Basically, we (and by we I mean those who still give a shit about the Jersey Shore) got to watch an hour of that moment where Wile E. Coyote runs off a cliff, then looks down and sees that he's fucked. I first noticed him shitting himself when he goes to pick up Sammi at the beginning of the show and her mom is pointing at him with arms that are bigger than his and mumbling some veiled threat about taking care of her daughter. The real threat however, is that Sammi is going to devolve into that beast over the next 5 years. It already kinda looks like she's been doing bicep curls.

The next telling moment was when Ronnie walks into the house and immediately picks the room with three beds so that he won't have to be alone with Sammi... he's trying to bring the wilderness to him. Poor Situation. Not even he deserves that mess.
And finally, Ronnie explodes on the new girl (who needs to go in my opinion) instead of where he wants to on his bitch of a girlfriend. The best part though, is when Snooki makes up the insane lie that Ronnie's mom talks to her on the phone and says that she hates Sammi, and Ronnie doesn't even question the validity of the statement.... He's just like, "Yup. That's 100% plausible."

So the previews have Ronnie and Sammi separating... we'll see if MTV if just toying with us, like when the put fights in the preview only to preview them once again during the last 2 minutes of the show for the next show. I'm on to you fuckers. I hope for Ronnie's sake that Sammi disappears, and honestly I hope it for my sake too. Worst TV couple of all time. They're ruining what will probably be the last quality season of JS before they all get terrible spin offs and we just stop giving a shit. (Assuming you haven't already... ehhhh...)

I'm excited. Bring on Seaside.