Oh Jersey Shore, way to leave me with nothing more than the image of Snooki's interestingly shaped assets burned in my retinas to last me for a long, cold winter. I was happy to see Ronnie take my advice and get the fuck away from Sammi. (I have guido ESP in case you were wondering. That's why there's a delivery boy carrying a pound of mortadella currently being drawn unconsciously to my door.) But the real winner in all of this is clearly Pauly D. He probably got more ass than The Situation and no one in the house wants to backhand him (not that he could penetrate his hair anyway). He may be orange, he may have a car company's name tattooed on his armpit, he may be pushing the wrong side of 30, and he may be getting stalked by someone who was likely trained in krav maga, but there's just no fucking with Pauly D's chi.
When the housemates first descended upon the shore, it was pretty easy to peg Pauly D as the village idiot. In his first interview, he mentioned tanning and gel alongside friends and family as his defining qualities as a guido. And he seemed to respond to every situation (HA. Still hysterical.) with a smile that screamed, "I don't understand why it's not a good idea to fill a gas grill with charcoal and light a match." After JWOWW scared herself away by seeing her reflection in his stainless steel dong jewelery, it appeared as if he would spend his summer jumping on grenades and breaking the noses of defenseless drunks.
BUT, if you were paying attention (read: have no life and rewatched every episode 50 times), you might have noticed some signs of life from the spiky haired Yoda even early on. It was none other Pauly came up with Snickers as a nickname for Snooki. In all seriousness, it's an astounding feat that may never be topped. He managed to name a girl with obvious body image issues after a candy bar and didn't offend anyone. And that's the key to Pauly D. He's not offensive. He smartly stayed out of Ronnie and Situ's pissing contest to see who could fit more needles in an one ass cheek and thus win Sammi's affection. Instead, for an in house hook-up he went with a deceptively low maintenance JWOWW. Her boyfriend may have called him a spiky haired douche bag (strong card, Mr. blue roses) but Pauly's drama stayed out of the house. And about the punch he threw; at the end of the day, it was the least talked about fight in all of the Jersey Shore and produced the quintessential gem of Pauly D wisdom and possibly the best quote of the series, "It only takes 9 pounds of pressure to break a nose." Amen bro, Amen. In my opinion, he should replace his "DJ Pauly Delvecchio" sound effect with that quote and loop it into a fighting themed techno. Tell me you wouldn't pound your fist to that.
Pauly, simply put, is playing chess while the other guidos are trying to figure out why the checker board isn't red and green instead of red and black. He lets Ronnie get the girl and Mike be the lightning rod. He manages expectations and befriends everyone who matters. Sure he has beef with an occasional cuckolded boyfriend, but he never shits where he eats (paying attention Ronnie?), and he still manages to have the drawers dropping nightly.
Pauly D might be the only man with hair that sticks up further than his pierced penis who can be described as a minimalist. Pauly is The Edge to The Situation's Bono. Situ may be more famous, but he's also more hated. Pauly doesn't need to say nearly as much to make an impact. And ironically, it's his over the top peacock feathers that allow him to thrive in a guido ecosystem while offending as few people as possible. He covers his melanoma-destined skin in tattoos, spikes his hair, puts on the headphones he bedazzled himself, and lets the magic come to him. He doesn't need corny pick up lines and he doesn't have to commit robberies or make any enemies.Even his trademark hairstyle speaks to his pragmatism. For 25 minutes of effort a day, he gets hair that may or may not be bulletproof. In contrast, as much as I admire the Sitch's dedication to his abdominals, it's a much harder trademark to maintain. There's also the factor of how much of a douche bag he looks like every time he pulls up his shirt to show off.
My headband is off to you Pauly, you're a man of admirable wisdom. I hope I'm as smart as you when I turn 30.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Smushing Sammi Sweetheart
We've all had them. We might not have known it until the 376th late night phone call or maybe right up to the point when the stiletto heel was rapidly approaching the bridge of our nose, but we've had them. The crazy significant other sneaks up on you like a bowl of haterade marinating under your bed. You know something's wrong, you're just not sure what, so you go on with your life while ignoring the stench until it becomes unbearable.
If someone had asked you after the first episode, which guidette will we get to watch take her man on a slow gondola ride to hell, you would have answered JWOWW. You would have answered faster than you said Snooki when asked who's most likely to get herpes from a juiced up oompa loompa. And you would have been very, very wrong. After taking a peak at the DJ Delvecchio's prince albert, JWOWW has pretty much backed off and stayed faithful to her man (unless of course she's hooking up in the secret room where the situation goes to cry). Sammi, on the other hand, has caused Ronnie to sob like a little girl on multiple occasions, not to mention getting him into not one, but two physical altercations. AND ALL THIS HAS HAPPENED IN THE SPACE OF TWO WEEKS.
We could have seen this coming though. The crazy was written on the wall next to the Italy themed Cadillac insignia. No one has really mentioned this, but her flipping from Situation to Ronnie was never fully explained. Immediately after it seemed that she had forgiven the sitch for his ill-advised hot tub session, she unlatched herself from his face and started sucking on Ronnie's. Why? In her words, "Ronnie's hot" and "I just love a man with that choad look." Okay, I might have made that second one up. Still, going from having spoken under 100 words to someone to flat out dating them is in no way normal. And it's not like they're blissfully in love either. Not an episode passes where we don't get to see Sammi making angry motions while swinging her hair extensions for effect.
The funny thing is, it's ALWAYS her fault. The "Fred Flintstone Toe" incident was just a harbinger of things to come. Really, who gets upset over a toe? Go find the nearest hot girl and begin to mock her. Pick out anything that catches your eye and just go with it. If you do this 12,000 times, you will choose toe literally 0 times. You want to know why? It's because: YOU CAN COVER A TOE. No one has ever been that upset over a fucked up toe because unless you're falling over because you don't have toes, they just don't affect your life. So clearly, getting into a blow out argument over a large toe is a sign that one enjoys getting into blow out arguments.
But this was nothing compared to the boardwalk incident. It was a miracle that juicehead junior was avoiding physical violence with the guy who had been trying to fight him for the whole night, but he was pulling it off. He was staying calm and not instigating a fight. This clearly was unacceptable to Sammi Sweetheart. She felt the need to scream at the obviously hammered couple further, even after Ronnie told her to relax. So what happened? Ronnie shoved her lightly (and rightly I might add) to get her to calm down and she left him to be attacked by both the guy and his girlfriend. Luckily Ronnie can throw down and managed to escape with just one black eye. (Two things. One, if a) you're hammered b) it's wet outside c) you're wearing sandals and the other guy is wearing shoes and d) that guy has the cream and the clear in his sunscreen, maybe you shouldn't start a fight. When that guy first lunged at Ronnie he almost got his ass kicked by the boardwalk. Two, how fucking awesome was the chain tuck. Not fighting, not fighting, not fighting... BOOM. Tuck the chain, fuck this guy's world up. It almost made up for all the crying on camera. Almost.)
And still, in the latest episode where Steroid Smurf ends up getting arrested, Sammi is at it again, screaming and instigating until her man starts fighting. So, Ronnie... RUN. Run fast and run far, out of the reach of her hair extensions. This is the most attention guidos have gotten since Sinatra in his heyday and all you've done since committing the robbery is fight and cry publicly. This can only end with either you in jail or dead via a shiv fashioned from acrylic nails. Get out now, before it's too late.
If someone had asked you after the first episode, which guidette will we get to watch take her man on a slow gondola ride to hell, you would have answered JWOWW. You would have answered faster than you said Snooki when asked who's most likely to get herpes from a juiced up oompa loompa. And you would have been very, very wrong. After taking a peak at the DJ Delvecchio's prince albert, JWOWW has pretty much backed off and stayed faithful to her man (unless of course she's hooking up in the secret room where the situation goes to cry). Sammi, on the other hand, has caused Ronnie to sob like a little girl on multiple occasions, not to mention getting him into not one, but two physical altercations. AND ALL THIS HAS HAPPENED IN THE SPACE OF TWO WEEKS.
We could have seen this coming though. The crazy was written on the wall next to the Italy themed Cadillac insignia. No one has really mentioned this, but her flipping from Situation to Ronnie was never fully explained. Immediately after it seemed that she had forgiven the sitch for his ill-advised hot tub session, she unlatched herself from his face and started sucking on Ronnie's. Why? In her words, "Ronnie's hot" and "I just love a man with that choad look." Okay, I might have made that second one up. Still, going from having spoken under 100 words to someone to flat out dating them is in no way normal. And it's not like they're blissfully in love either. Not an episode passes where we don't get to see Sammi making angry motions while swinging her hair extensions for effect.
The funny thing is, it's ALWAYS her fault. The "Fred Flintstone Toe" incident was just a harbinger of things to come. Really, who gets upset over a toe? Go find the nearest hot girl and begin to mock her. Pick out anything that catches your eye and just go with it. If you do this 12,000 times, you will choose toe literally 0 times. You want to know why? It's because: YOU CAN COVER A TOE. No one has ever been that upset over a fucked up toe because unless you're falling over because you don't have toes, they just don't affect your life. So clearly, getting into a blow out argument over a large toe is a sign that one enjoys getting into blow out arguments.
But this was nothing compared to the boardwalk incident. It was a miracle that juicehead junior was avoiding physical violence with the guy who had been trying to fight him for the whole night, but he was pulling it off. He was staying calm and not instigating a fight. This clearly was unacceptable to Sammi Sweetheart. She felt the need to scream at the obviously hammered couple further, even after Ronnie told her to relax. So what happened? Ronnie shoved her lightly (and rightly I might add) to get her to calm down and she left him to be attacked by both the guy and his girlfriend. Luckily Ronnie can throw down and managed to escape with just one black eye. (Two things. One, if a) you're hammered b) it's wet outside c) you're wearing sandals and the other guy is wearing shoes and d) that guy has the cream and the clear in his sunscreen, maybe you shouldn't start a fight. When that guy first lunged at Ronnie he almost got his ass kicked by the boardwalk. Two, how fucking awesome was the chain tuck. Not fighting, not fighting, not fighting... BOOM. Tuck the chain, fuck this guy's world up. It almost made up for all the crying on camera. Almost.)
And still, in the latest episode where Steroid Smurf ends up getting arrested, Sammi is at it again, screaming and instigating until her man starts fighting. So, Ronnie... RUN. Run fast and run far, out of the reach of her hair extensions. This is the most attention guidos have gotten since Sinatra in his heyday and all you've done since committing the robbery is fight and cry publicly. This can only end with either you in jail or dead via a shiv fashioned from acrylic nails. Get out now, before it's too late.
Monday, January 11, 2010
The Value of Vinny.
Poor Vinny. Of all the winning housemates rocking out in Seaside Heights, he somehow managed to end up on the B squad. Not that some of this isn't his own fault. When you're most known in a house of people for having pink eye that one time, it's safe to say you're not getting a ton of screen time.
But we NEED Vinny. He's the looking glass through which we can peer at a wonderland of gym, tanning, laundry and snickers' face being smashed in repeatedly. He's the rare television character with one foot in the real world and one in the false reality of his television show. Would you have related to George Costanza or Kramer without Jerry there to mediate? Or been able to enjoy Arrested Development without Michael at it's center? Vinny may not get the MTV love (a mistake on their part), but he's the anchor of the show. He's the straight man (That doesn't have anything to do with his boning preference all you orange tanned people who are consuming everything JS right now).
No one denies the situation's situation. But the fact that another "guido," (Vinny) can point out Situation's mantra "gym, tanning, laundry" is not an enviable lifestyle gives the character depth.
Could Pauly D or Snooki have managed Vinny's feat in the first episode in which he took one look at JWOWW from 2 stories up and proceeded to immediately move his bags to avoid bunking with her? No FUCKING way. It was almost like he predicted her getting an eyeful of Pauly's penis steel two days later. Amazing
Even though he may not have abs like the Sitch, the word cadillac tattooed on his body, IN GIANT LETTERS, like pauly d, nipples that laugh at where nature intends them to point, like JWOWW, or two black eyes and a mushy forehead like Snickers, Vinny has one thing the rest don't. I'll deal with a few awkward moments and forced fist pumps if it gets me what no other character can provide: a brain.
I'll keep this first post short... but I've been happy for Vinny lately. He took the bosses gap toothed, herpes infested girl and may be looking to transmit those same herpes to "the man of the house's" sister in the near future. Now he just needs some more screen time so I can get a thinking guido's take on the best television show since the wire.
But we NEED Vinny. He's the looking glass through which we can peer at a wonderland of gym, tanning, laundry and snickers' face being smashed in repeatedly. He's the rare television character with one foot in the real world and one in the false reality of his television show. Would you have related to George Costanza or Kramer without Jerry there to mediate? Or been able to enjoy Arrested Development without Michael at it's center? Vinny may not get the MTV love (a mistake on their part), but he's the anchor of the show. He's the straight man (That doesn't have anything to do with his boning preference all you orange tanned people who are consuming everything JS right now).
No one denies the situation's situation. But the fact that another "guido," (Vinny) can point out Situation's mantra "gym, tanning, laundry" is not an enviable lifestyle gives the character depth.
Could Pauly D or Snooki have managed Vinny's feat in the first episode in which he took one look at JWOWW from 2 stories up and proceeded to immediately move his bags to avoid bunking with her? No FUCKING way. It was almost like he predicted her getting an eyeful of Pauly's penis steel two days later. Amazing
Even though he may not have abs like the Sitch, the word cadillac tattooed on his body, IN GIANT LETTERS, like pauly d, nipples that laugh at where nature intends them to point, like JWOWW, or two black eyes and a mushy forehead like Snickers, Vinny has one thing the rest don't. I'll deal with a few awkward moments and forced fist pumps if it gets me what no other character can provide: a brain.
I'll keep this first post short... but I've been happy for Vinny lately. He took the bosses gap toothed, herpes infested girl and may be looking to transmit those same herpes to "the man of the house's" sister in the near future. Now he just needs some more screen time so I can get a thinking guido's take on the best television show since the wire.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)