Smushing Sammi Sweetheart

We've all had them. We might not have known it until the 376th late night phone call or maybe right up to the point when the stiletto heel was rapidly approaching the bridge of our nose, but we've had them. The crazy significant other sneaks up on you like a bowl of haterade marinating under your bed. You know something's wrong, you're just not sure what, so you go on with your life while ignoring the stench until it becomes unbearable.

If someone had asked you after the first episode, which guidette will we get to watch take her man on a slow gondola ride to hell, you would have answered JWOWW. You would have answered faster than you said Snooki when asked who's most likely to get herpes from a juiced up oompa loompa. And you would have been very, very wrong. After taking a peak at the DJ Delvecchio's prince albert, JWOWW has pretty much backed off and stayed faithful to her man (unless of course she's hooking up in the secret room where the situation goes to cry). Sammi, on the other hand, has caused Ronnie to sob like a little girl on multiple occasions, not to mention getting him into not one, but two physical altercations. AND ALL THIS HAS HAPPENED IN THE SPACE OF TWO WEEKS.

We could have seen this coming though. The crazy was written on the wall next to the Italy themed Cadillac insignia. No one has really mentioned this, but her flipping from Situation to Ronnie was never fully explained. Immediately after it seemed that she had forgiven the sitch for his ill-advised hot tub session, she unlatched herself from his face and started sucking on Ronnie's. Why? In her words, "Ronnie's hot" and "I just love a man with that choad look." Okay, I might have made that second one up. Still, going from having spoken under 100 words to someone to flat out dating them is in no way normal. And it's not like they're blissfully in love either. Not an episode passes where we don't get to see Sammi making angry motions while swinging her hair extensions for effect.

The funny thing is, it's ALWAYS her fault. The "Fred Flintstone Toe" incident was just a harbinger of things to come. Really, who gets upset over a toe? Go find the nearest hot girl and begin to mock her. Pick out anything that catches your eye and just go with it. If you do this 12,000 times, you will choose toe literally 0 times. You want to know why? It's because: YOU CAN COVER A TOE. No one has ever been that upset over a fucked up toe because unless you're falling over because you don't have toes, they just don't affect your life. So clearly, getting into a blow out argument over a large toe is a sign that one enjoys getting into blow out arguments.

But this was nothing compared to the boardwalk incident. It was a miracle that juicehead junior was avoiding physical violence with the guy who had been trying to fight him for the whole night, but he was pulling it off. He was staying calm and not instigating a fight. This clearly was unacceptable to Sammi Sweetheart. She felt the need to scream at the obviously hammered couple further, even after Ronnie told her to relax. So what happened? Ronnie shoved her lightly (and rightly I might add) to get her to calm down and she left him to be attacked by both the guy and his girlfriend. Luckily Ronnie can throw down and managed to escape with just one black eye. (Two things. One, if a) you're hammered b) it's wet outside c) you're wearing sandals and the other guy is wearing shoes and d) that guy has the cream and the clear in his sunscreen, maybe you shouldn't start a fight. When that guy first lunged at Ronnie he almost got his ass kicked by the boardwalk. Two, how fucking awesome was the chain tuck. Not fighting, not fighting, not fighting... BOOM. Tuck the chain, fuck this guy's world up. It almost made up for all the crying on camera. Almost.)

And still, in the latest episode where Steroid Smurf ends up getting arrested, Sammi is at it again, screaming and instigating until her man starts fighting. So, Ronnie... RUN. Run fast and run far, out of the reach of her hair extensions. This is the most attention guidos have gotten since Sinatra in his heyday and all you've done since committing the robbery is fight and cry publicly. This can only end with either you in jail or dead via a shiv fashioned from acrylic nails. Get out now, before it's too late.