The Tao of Pauly D

Oh Jersey Shore, way to leave me with nothing more than the image of Snooki's interestingly shaped assets burned in my retinas to last me for a long, cold winter. I was happy to see Ronnie take my advice and get the fuck away from Sammi. (I have guido ESP in case you were wondering. That's why there's a delivery boy carrying a pound of mortadella currently being drawn unconsciously to my door.) But the real winner in all of this is clearly Pauly D. He probably got more ass than The Situation and no one in the house wants to backhand him (not that he could penetrate his hair anyway). He may be orange, he may have a car company's name tattooed on his armpit, he may be pushing the wrong side of 30, and he may be getting stalked by someone who was likely trained in krav maga, but there's just no fucking with Pauly D's chi.

When the housemates first descended upon the shore, it was pretty easy to peg Pauly D as the village idiot. In his first interview, he mentioned tanning and gel alongside friends and family as his defining qualities as a guido. And he seemed to respond to every situation (HA. Still hysterical.) with a smile that screamed, "I don't understand why it's not a good idea to fill a gas grill with charcoal and light a match." After JWOWW scared herself away by seeing her reflection in his stainless steel dong jewelery, it appeared as if he would spend his summer jumping on grenades and breaking the noses of defenseless drunks.

BUT, if you were paying attention (read: have no life and rewatched every episode 50 times), you might have noticed some signs of life from the spiky haired Yoda even early on. It was none other Pauly came up with Snickers as a nickname for Snooki. In all seriousness, it's an astounding feat that may never be topped. He managed to name a girl with obvious body image issues after a candy bar and didn't offend anyone. And that's the key to Pauly D. He's not offensive. He smartly stayed out of Ronnie and Situ's pissing contest to see who could fit more needles in an one ass cheek and thus win Sammi's affection. Instead, for an in house hook-up he went with a deceptively low maintenance JWOWW. Her boyfriend may have called him a spiky haired douche bag (strong card, Mr. blue roses) but Pauly's drama stayed out of the house. And about the punch he threw; at the end of the day, it was the least talked about fight in all of the Jersey Shore and produced the quintessential gem of Pauly D wisdom and possibly the best quote of the series, "It only takes 9 pounds of pressure to break a nose." Amen bro, Amen. In my opinion, he should replace his "DJ Pauly Delvecchio" sound effect with that quote and loop it into a fighting themed techno. Tell me you wouldn't pound your fist to that.

Pauly, simply put, is playing chess while the other guidos are trying to figure out why the checker board isn't red and green instead of red and black. He lets Ronnie get the girl and Mike be the lightning rod. He manages expectations and befriends everyone who matters. Sure he has beef with an occasional cuckolded boyfriend, but he never shits where he eats (paying attention Ronnie?), and he still manages to have the drawers dropping nightly.

Pauly D might be the only man with hair that sticks up further than his pierced penis who can be described as a minimalist. Pauly is The Edge to The Situation's Bono. Situ may be more famous, but he's also more hated. Pauly doesn't need to say nearly as much to make an impact. And ironically, it's his over the top peacock feathers that allow him to thrive in a guido ecosystem while offending as few people as possible. He covers his melanoma-destined skin in tattoos, spikes his hair, puts on the headphones he bedazzled himself, and lets the magic come to him. He doesn't need corny pick up lines and he doesn't have to commit robberies or make any enemies.Even his trademark hairstyle speaks to his pragmatism. For 25 minutes of effort a day, he gets hair that may or may not be bulletproof. In contrast, as much as I admire the Sitch's dedication to his abdominals, it's a much harder trademark to maintain. There's also the factor of how much of a douche bag he looks like every time he pulls up his shirt to show off.

My headband is off to you Pauly, you're a man of admirable wisdom. I hope I'm as smart as you when I turn 30.