Slade: My New Role Model

Adieu, Jersey Shore. Or should I say, arrivederci. Fuck it, you wouldn't understand what I was talking about either way. You may have left and broken my heart, but I've moved on, at least for now. The object of my attention is new and shiny to me, even though it may be old news to a lot of you out there. To those who didn't pick up on the Slade reference in the title, I'm talking about The Real Housewives of Orange County.

Now, before the guys out there start questioning my sexuality, please, watch the show. The adventures of big-breasted fish face, botox bandit, other blond chick, wrinkly one that always talks about her job, and the hot chick (Gretchen, she gets a name) are high entertainment. I clearly still am having problems figuring out which one is which, but that doesn't make the show any less enjoyable.

First, at any given time, three of the five housewives are clearly whacked out on a combination of painkillers, white wine, and stripper perfume. (It's weird, but I can look and these women and literally smell the strawberry champagne lotion wafting from the inner thigh of an overripe dancer who got grandfathered into working the B squad at Scores.) Second, they fight literally all the time. And there's nothing like women who are past their physical prime and have substituted expensive clothes that their husbands gave to them for any semblance of wisdom get self-righteous. It's like self-esteem that comes out of a remote.

But at the end of the day, if you're a straight male, the reason to watch is undoubtedly Slade. Yes, Gretchen is hot. But there are hot women in far more enticing states of undress available at pornhub. Which is where I suggest you venture when you're done here. You might as well follow up some solid mental masturbation with the real thing. For those who don't know, Slade is the guy who is currently having sex with Gretchen, who looks exactly like a Barbie doll brought to life and given bigger implants. Before this (and before my time testing the limits of plausible heterosexuality with Real Housewives) he was with Jo, another housewife who was the hottest on the show during her tenure. In between these two, he starred with the former on a show called Date My Ex, where his ex-girlfriend got him even more top notch ass.

If you haven't given up reading this yet, you might be asking, who is this Slade character? I'd give you an answer, but thus is the beauty of this elusive man-beast. Even though I wanted to do research and write an article about him and even though he's been on TV for over 4 years there's next to nothing about him online. Compare him with the cast of Real Housewives of Atlanta (another winner of a show... and in this case I can actually taste the stripper lotion); their Wikipedia page is like a freecreditreport.com page, I can tell who's being evicted and who's just in foreclosure. Slade is a smiling, bearded question mark who gets to stick his dick in the hottest thing in a 50 yard radius.

Proof? Slade ostensibly sells title insurance, but when questioned in tonight's episode, Gretchen couldn't confirm that he even received a paycheck of any kind. In fact, she hired him to "manage" the money that she got when she married a dying guy in an earlier season (all class, all the time). In comparison to every other guy on the show who essentially bought their "trophy," Slade just shows up and gets it in.

There's a lot to learn here. First, the illusion of money is just as good as money. He may be a good looking dude (uh-oh the show is taking hold), but he never could have gotten in the door with these women without a cool sounding job, like vice president at a title insurance company even though it apparently doesn't come with a paycheck. Second, smile a lot and never get angry. Every other dude on the show tries to control their wife and every one of them gets less sex from an uglier broad than Slade.

Slade, if I could kill you and wear your face as a mask, I would. But, since that sounds messy and I'd probably get caught, please just keep showing up to work every day. Teach us to be more than clamsmen. Teach us to be mimbos.